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Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
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5:14 am - Jesus Effing Christ...
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Of all the bands... I take a simple internet quiz. "Which Post-Punk Band Are You?" My delirious insomnia-ridden soul is frothing at the mouth. It's long, interesting, and fun.
Joy Division. Fucking Joy Division. Makes me wanna shave my head and gob on eyeliner.
Oh. Wait. Shit.
<3, J.
current mood:  WTF mate?
current music: Wire - Eardrum Buzz (NOT JOY DIVISION)
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| Friday, July 8th, 2005
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3:06 am - If you find me interesting or consider me a friend, please read.
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( Read more... )
Well, if I didn't say it there, expect a phonecall. And if I can't call you, I'm pretty darn sure you've got my number, and you have absolutely no excuse now. ♥
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache
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| Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
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10:02 am - Hmmph.
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I just took a boatload of quizzes, and all the results sucked, so no postings for you. :P This last week has just been... hecticly opulent, for want of a better term. I keep reminding myself of the medicinal value of keeping a journal, of all the reasons I started keeping this critter, and why I still need to keep it... but then I forget to touch a computer for days at a time, save to listen to and/or write music, and personal maintenance is somehow once again lost in the shuffle.
Someone whom I had not seen or spoken to in over five years contacted me a few days ago, and reading what he had to say brought back one of those strange emotions, not that I'd necessarily put upon a shelf but one I'd not felt in probably a few months now. I've been happier with myself recently on a more internal level, and I've definitely been more pleased with... well everything, really. In the wake of positivity and forward progress on pragmatic goals, sometimes I lose focus of things which I could do to improve my life in more esoteric ways.
I've gained a little weight lately, and have definitely been slacking off in exercising. It's bizarre to me, it really does seem like I can only focus on the polishing and improvement of one main facet of my life at once. Thankfully, I have lovers who keep me grounded and rounded as it were, but still the fact remains that for all my multitasking in mundane day-to-day I'm not one for juggling important personal growth projects. Really I've felt thankful to be a little too busy literally and mentally to worry about deeper, weirder problems. I've become, in my eyes, an astoundingly better person in the last few months, and I'm still working ever harder to really be the person I've always considered myself on the inside. Trouble is, I'm a far cry from the person I consider myself on the outside, and the two truly are interconnected.
The plan for tonight: throw a full change of clothes in the car, just to eliminate yet another excuse not to work out. Plan for the week: make small strides to eat less. Plan for the month: get a shocker card and live in the gym for at least five hours a week, which means even without diet I'd lose a pound a week, and that's something. Course, if I get this job I'll just have yet another excuse to work out, but then again I'll probably lose weight just from having something to do.
Eleven beats recorded. Shoot for twenty, trim to fifteen, record lyrics, and hunt Kool Kim, amongst others. Lyrics must be written, music must be written. Balancing things I need to do in differing areas of my life will be easier when I have massive scheduled activities instead of small, easily re-scheduled tasks. I work well under pressure, and in the absense of pressure I only work well when I'm damn good and ready. This is a mild problem. :)
Relationship update time, yay! Pamela is positively wonderful, and has earned a place for herself deep within my heart. Jessica and Aislynn are both doing wonderfully. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks we'll have moved out from that cauldron of a house before any more strange trouble brews. We're decorating the whole place in an Arabian harem feel. Yes, the irony is palpable; months of fighting off polyamory stereotypes, only to succumb to the harem cliche... the sexy, sexy harem cliche. Pamela even suggested turning it to eleven and making some sassy interlocking meta-jewelry, a piece of which each of us can wear. Last week, in the midst of strange frustrations with an insurance company, I wandered into a custom jewelry shop and discussed precious metals and gemstones with an apprentice jeweler for well over an hour. He was a pretty cool guy; maybe I'll throw some business his way when I finally get to working at this pesky post office job. So many tests, follow-up tests, et cetera ad infinitum. I'm hoping tomorrow sees the end of it.
Got my hair died and braided, off to get it further decimated, hopefully with yarn. Ta ta kitties! ♥
current mood: contemplative, in the good way
current music: Killing Joke - Adorations
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| Thursday, May 12th, 2005
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2:08 pm
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I'm still here, I'm still around, I read my friends list daily and, while I do have time to post, I find precious little in my life which needs to be chronicled for further analysis later. I consider this a blessing, and when I have something profound, cute, amusing, or deep to share with myself and, to a lesser extent, everyone else, I will. I promise you I'm not holding out; rather, I've found myself digging deeper for the raw essence of how I feel... the diagnosis rather than merely the symptoms. Wish me luck, kittens! ♥
current mood: loving and loveable
current music: Ferry Corsten - Punk
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| Thursday, April 28th, 2005
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2:22 am - APRIL, QUICK!
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My car's front right wheel nearly snapped off the axle.
My mom's heart failed.
My car engine blew up.
My puppy died.
My tire blew out. Twice.
My mother is possibly recovering; I'm apparently out of the loop officially now.
My nephew's new dog is stupid.
I have a beautiful new person in my life.
Marinated strawberries taste like heaven.
I've read more X-Men comics this week than I can count.
Superman always makes me smile.
Aislynn and I continue our attempts to beat X-Men Legends.
Scott is an amazing friend, whether he knows it or not.
Pamela and Jessica have decided that Jessica and Pamela are huggably soft; this is the cutest observation ever
I did a cartwheel! *cries with joy* Cross one more thing off my childhood fears list!
I am officially a capoeirista! Besides the (expected) horrible new-workout-pain-cramps, I'm doing way better than I'd even hoped.
All is full of love. ♥
current mood: sleepiehappie
current music: The Mars Volta - Eriatarka
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| Sunday, April 10th, 2005
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6:45 am - Remind me again why I got out of bed this morning...
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Ugh.
So, while I was driving to Dairy Queen on thursday to have some hate-the-world-but-that's-okay ice cream, the engine of my fucking car exploded. Cracked cam shaft, valves smashed open, cylinders pierced, zero compression. Fifteen hundred dollars that I don't have. I have zero clue how I'm supposed to pay for everyone to move out when I'll be too busy paying back everyone else that's been helping me with money, not to mention helping my folks out with their steadily mounting medical bills and dwindling savings. My mother's too sick to go back to work, so she has to retire... shit. I've just not wanted to deal with things right now. It's just too much for me to absorb everything right now. I guess the primary purpose of most people's journals is to record woes and miseries, and leave a kind of historical document of the obstacles over which they triumph. In some small way, I guess keeping track of these successes make the problems of the future seem all the smaller by comparison.
If I make it through these next few weeks with a positive attitude intact, I'm entirely convinced that it's all uphill from here. I just need to knuckle down and let everything pass, instead of checking for little bits of salvage in the river of sewage that runs through every person's life. It'd just be a lot easier and a whole lot more valuable to my sanity to just let things go; and sometimes that means confronting these problems with the clear intention of cutting bullshit off at the knees.
I've been so thin-skinned lately... what would normally be abrasive is now downright annoying, and what would have made me frustrated or upset a month or two ago now leaves me either devastated or enraged, depending on the content. Still, I think the new war inside myself is a war of determination rather than a war of wills. It's a matter of telling people how I feel, telling myself how I feel, and fighting battles with all my heart instead of just planning an attack.
I dunno... it seems like I have to pay a hell of a lot more attention to what battles I fight, too. My conclusion: If I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain, then no matter what the outcome, the point is moot. This has been one of the hardest things for me to accept in life. I've no clue as to why, really; it's one of those things that makes sense on paper, but is harder to apply then the chips are down.
Jeez, look at the time. More when it's not seven in the morning! ♥
current mood:  on the upswing
current music: Tekken 5 Sountrack - Poolside
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| Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
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8:55 pm - Kentucky Fried Monday + Piss Up a Rope Tuesday
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So yeah, went and voted against the new Kansas Marriage Amendment. I might as well have voted for a bill that banned farming, while I was at it. Futile as it may have been, though, I truly feel that I did my part to be counted and to let the masses know that their expected landslide victory was instead barely a two-thirds majority. You gotta fight the little battles.
I grabbed my buddy ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) doplegager and went with the lovely forbidden_magic to kungfo0's house to eat fried chicken and play some'a them video games. Little did I know that, with a simple, gluttonous gesture, I sent Ram spiraling into a hedonistic frenzy (read: eating something besides oatmeal and posing philosophical questions to himself on his daily eight mile walks). Between this and Sin City, I think we're introducing this boy to an exciting new world of Stuff We Used To Do But Stopped For No Real Reason. It's pretty hot; I think I've almost completely broken him of his Vow of Poverty.
Right now, I'm just sitting in the campus rec center, merrily twitching away while I wait for zee girls to get out of their respective classes and projects. Lord knows I've got projects of my own; I actually broke out Avatar for a bit today and did some gruntwork on it. I've got probably about four to five pages of brainless rewrites to go before I go back and actually start editing copy, fortifying the rules system, and adding a bit of polish here and there. So close, then I can finally start writing the background fiction for this critter, which will be nice, fun, time-consuming effort.
Still haven't finished Canticle. I'm working on it.
Had the front brakes replaced on monday, and I felt like I'd been completely raped by the eight eight dollars of labor I was charged. Now, I'll admit, I don't know the first thing about repairing cars; I leave such activities to boiz with mechanical aptitudes and such. Apparently, this was quite the horrendous deal at first... until I drove the car and realized that the mechanic-guy had taken all the wheels off the car and tightened and balanced everything. Long story short: rear brakes are good-as-new, and the car now drives like a dream, possibly even better than when I bought it. All the strange shakes and shimmies were finally knocked out of the poor beast. Now, more than ever, I feel like it needs the love it so richly deserves. New headlight mounts are imminent, as soon as the living situation is off my shoulders.
I think I found a place for all of us to live. Right now, six hundred a month with all utilities paid, maid service, and free breakfast served daily. I've got to see what other amenities the place has, and if I can talk them down off the price, reasonable as it is; might be a fun project for tomorrow.
... and I just might go drinking with Zach this weekend... more on this potentially sinister entertainment later...
Gotta make fliers to help sell all these lovely things with which our store has been fortified. *happysigh* Finally, I've just the fun stuff left to do... until the front brakes finally poop out and I have to get those replaced too. Oh well, I think Ais is almost looking forward to changing them herself, now that the car is being happier. It's definitely her kind of thing. I'll probably just keep her company and clean the durn thing off, cuz it's got that weird gravel-road film on it that you can't quite wash off, like a thin layer of concrete just cemented itself to the paint.
Well, that'll do for today. I'll probably be posting a lot more often, because a lot more's happening and I have quite a bit more time to be online now that I'm actually *gasp* working on business-y things instead of getting ready to prepare to plan on working on business-y things. *mwahs* Later gators!
P.S. Sun Yong! *love!* Willow! *love!* Miss you both!
current mood: bouncy and manic
current music: Karuma - On Y Va
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| Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
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12:32 pm - Moviegasm! uNF.
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So yeah, I know that everyone is hyping Sin City, and I've been the worst about it. I got to the theatre two hours early, on my own accord, and just sat there twitching, completely fanspazzing. And you know what? It actually exceeded my expectations. I spent all of yesterday convincing myself not to lower my expectations, to expect one of the greatest movies ever made, and instead I received what has to be one of the greatest artistic achievements of the decade, effortlessly plumbing the depths of American fiction and the noir detective story and squeezing blood from a stone and turning what could have simply been a highly stylized entertaining nostalgia trip and turning it into a living comic book, post-modern and soaked in depth yet with an intense humanistic slant that warms the heart even at its' saddest moments. It turns cinematic conventions on their ear, then cuts it off execution-style.
What are you doing? Go see it! Sheesh! ♥
current mood: gritty! grrr!
current music: old scratchy jazz music
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| Monday, March 28th, 2005
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8:50 am
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I remember quite a while ago, Justin mentioned how differently one writes when one's audience changes... and it's strange when you consider yourself your own audience. You write little notes to yourself as a comfort mechanism, a reassurance that what you're doing is right, that your feelings and emotions are justified, that you really are the person you feel yourself to be inside.
I've had a lot on my mind lately. My mother's heart has failed. They say she's off the respirator now and that the worst is behind her, but she's not out of the woods quite yet. Just thinking about it kicks acid up my throat... really I'm almost more worried about my father. I seriously think he'll drive his car straight off a bridge if she doesn't pull through this.
It's been hard for me to stay collected lately... I've been so oversensed and supersaturated, and it doesn't seem like I have the situation to rewally defuse and let everything settle down. This morning, for instance, I had parked the car at WSU to take a few deep breaths and put my head in the right place, and some creepy girl hits my parked car. Just hauled right into my front end like a demolition derby.
It didn't really hurt the car, but it hurt my feelings, and the girl's smug look of "it's just as much your fault" just... shut my brain off. I didn't even get out of the car. I just sat there and started over all my mental capacities. The rest of my day is busy with tying up loose ends, looking for work in case my current job offer doesn't work out, and putting all the pieces of my head back together. I've got to get over this creeping sensation that
...never mind. I've got too much to do to let all of this get in my way. *snuggles* Later kittens.
current mood: deep breaths... wee!
current music: The Mao Tse Tung Experience - Irregular Times
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| Monday, March 14th, 2005
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11:43 pm - Wasabi.
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In an effort to post more frequently... thus do I post.
Meditation is important. Reading is something I do too infrequently, as is writing. I'm thankful my time and emotions are so well spent, as it is easier now than ever to waste that energy... my life is full of love, and for this I am grateful. The boldness of that love is beyond my scope of perception, beyond my perspective.
I breathe too rapidly, and I focus too little. I know my goals, and now I need only wash myself of the detritus with which we drown ourselves. I bubble to the surface, and it's easy to see the beauty that clings to the heart when the filth is rushed away and purified. I close my eyes and remember... the star that shines brightest isn't the closest, but the one with the most fire, the most passion, and the most resolve.
So much to do... breathe. There is time, more than I need. I remind myself of this every day, but only now do the words ring with a clear truth, like a bell on a still wind, a ripple in the far waves of the ocean. They peer above the surface, echo across infathomable waters, and lovingly caress distant shores, satisfied to rest upon the beach and glisten in the sun.
All for now. Ta ta for now! ♥
current mood:  serene
current music: Depeche Mode - In Your Room
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| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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9:22 pm - Oh Em Gee.
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So yesterday morning some hillbilly tried to cap my sassy ass.
No, seriously. I was heading north on the main road by my house, and a shiny blue pickup truck slowed to a stop about half a block up the road. We (Aislynn and I) slowed to a crawl and went to pass, when a GODDAMNED SHOTGUN BARREL just kinda pooped out the window. We slammed on the brakes just in time for this old man to pull the trigger and send a 20-gauge (my best guess) load of lead ejaculating across the hood of my narrowly non-moving baby. I looked at him, and his moose-faced farmer-self just kinda looked at me like it was our fault that we got in the way of him shooting ducks (out of duck season, as it were!) out of the WINDOW of his CAR!
This week has been absolutely psychotic, delirious, and disturbed... and enlightening. I've realized that my heroes are self-destructive. Kurt Cobain was my childhood idol; he painted a brain-matter mural with a shotgun not altogether different from the one that almost gave me an impromptu skull remodeling. Course, I moved on... and when I was homeless, I found solace in a manic-depressive author of the unusual by the name of Hunter S. Thompson, whose tomb of random delinquency by the name of The Great Shark Hunt I took to as inspiration like a fish to water.
Last week, Hunter S. Thompson, at sixty-seven years of age, launched a bullet high in the sky, as he was consistently wont to do, taking a slight detour through the roof of his mouth on the way. Here now I sit, watching Matchstick Men with Tom, John, Sarah, and Aislynn... and it just twists my brain in all the right ways. It's been a strange, strange time, and not all that much makes sense, but I know that things aren't nearly as cut-and-dry as we'd all like to think.
I'm kinda dizzy right now, and I have been for about a week or so... for some strange reason, ever since I worked out with John and Lee something in my innards just short-circuited, and now I find myself engaged in one head-to-toe excruciating cramp. Tomorrow's schedule includes discussing comparative politics in Latin America over an overpriced brunch, hopefully stretching enough to not kill myself as I practice wacky martial arts / swordfighting drills, and camp in Lollicup for an hour nursing my wounds.
More as my brain regains its function... *kisses!*
current mood: just plain weird, but good
current music: Frank Sinatra - Summer Wind
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| Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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1:23 am - Yeesh.
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Work. Party. Work. Spreadsheets = Brain Rape. Comics are everywhere, people are buying them slowly but steadily.
Didn't get the loan, which honestly isn't that big of a deal; after reconfiguring some finance stuff, it's come to my attention that we need to do some serious fat-trimming and recalculating, and Tom has seriously gone to bat for me. Here I was, thinking that somehow we'd end up competing against each other and somehow damaging our friendship. Instead, I've once again realized two reoccuring themes in my psychological and emotional growth:
1. People aren't always trying to fuck me; and
2. Life works itself out if I push forward and tear away from the bullshit and detritus like a bull in a china shop.
I've been streamlining my life pretty hardcore lately. I think the spreadsheet is my new spiritual icon of focus. Everything is becoming organized, falling into little squares; and the extra data is simply shat off and deleted. Thus, I'm slooowly feeling more in control of my surroundings, and that things can and will work out in a bit more efficient and pleasantly predictable manner.
Oy... chaos. Chaos and nausea. I really need to exercise more, but then again I'd need more time for that. Probably gonna have to go dig up a job delivering pizzas 'round these parts, something in that vein where I can afford to pay off a house and support some more business-y things.
I took my first order on friday. We're hoping for the BIG ORDERAMA thang to take place in March. Tom's done a lot for hookin' a brothah sistah up with inventory. Ugh, if only I was a bit more feminine, if I had the time to not look like thirty-year-old-guy-that-obviously-does-business-things-blah-ick-vomit. My five year high school reunion is coming up, and I really do honest-to-god want to look great and feel great. *sigh* Okay, that does it, I'm going to go stretch and exercise riiiiiight...
...now.
current mood:  anxious
current music: Marilyn Manson - mOBSCENE
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| Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
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4:07 am - Cripes.
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1:36 am - Oh yeah... that whole transition thing.
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These last couple of months haven't been good for my identity as a whole, I'm thinking. Haven't been exercising enough, haven't been eating right, and really all around haven't been feeling too good about myself in any physical manner. It's a pain in the ass seeing yourself in the mirror every morning and half-panicking.
So, I've just been trying to sort through the rest of the mess, and I put physicality issues on the back burner... and it's showed. *sigh* It's hard for me to try to get worked up about fitness when I'm coming down with some kind of headcold and staring at thirty thousand comics that aren't going to inventory themselves, all the while wondering how we're gonna pay bills this month. Pretty unfun stuff.
Tomorrow is the loan fair, and I'm more than a little nervous. I've been really lazy about shaving this whole week, so I pretty much look like a college english professor. The one thing I've been keeping up on (with the help of my lovely and talented Jessica) is to keep my hair braided, which looks worlds better than my normal wacky hair; but tomorrow it'll just be in a ponytail while I try to convince a gaggle of bankers that I know precisely what I'm doing with their money. Then, I'm barrelling back home, shaving, dying my hair, and rolling up to Jessica's to get my hair rebraided before I swing by Cory's and play some of the Steel Battalion.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention. I FINALLY GOT THAT DAMN GAME. One hundred and fifty bucks later, I'm sitting on the hottest game ever, its sequel, and a two-joystick, three-footpedal beast of a controller. And Halo 2, which makes me question the sanity of my more fratboyish Halo-nerd friends.
I've also gotten a hair straightener, which definitely helps with the whole not-looking-like-a-pro-wrestler thing I've been working on as of late... really though, unless I get into really good shape it's not going to make the difference it needs to make. I also need to keep writing in this damn thing, it's good for my sanity and keeps me from wanting to run over pedestrians quite so often.
I'm trying to decide if I'm more terrified of being told there's no chance in Hell I'll get a loan, or suddenly being handed twenty-five large on good faith suddenly needing to scramble together a business. Impromptu real estate shopping, liquidating assets and scrambling for private investors, rush orders for (even more) inventory... I could do without that this week, but I may not get a choice. Slim as the chances are of such a thing happening, it would not be unprecedented, and I'd be a fool to turn it down. What I'm hoping for is some optimisting meetings with banking establishments, and scheduling some secondary reviews and discussions. I just hope something happens, and I don't find myself driving in tomorrow's icy shitstorm, with a headcold, only to be told I'm a silly goose and sent home like a good girl.
Special Thanks to Liz for backing me up and making me seriously contemplate socializing again.
Well that'll do me for now, I've got to get back to staring in notebooks and typing up spreadsheets. Wee! ♥
current mood:  cold medicine is the devil.
current music: Sierra - 1 2 Step
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| Monday, February 7th, 2005
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10:26 am - Busybusybusybusy.
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You know, it's funny... These last coupla months, I haven't been updating because there simply hasn't been much to say. November and December pretty much came and went without much to mention, and for this I'm rather pleased. January... gah, I've been so busy and scrambled I don't even know where to begin.
Holly and I are on intimate terms again. Also in our romantic portfolio is a lovely lass named Jessica, whom I am sure will be written about later in further detail. I now own over thirty thousand comic books, nearly all in spectacular condition, many of them Silver Age, almost all of them supremely rad.
Tomorrow I head to a loan conference to see about small business investment loans. Looks like I might be in business as soon as late March, but not (yet) in the arcade/bar industry... more later as this develops.
Had an offer to join a band that would apparently be opening for Orgy... too bad the songs all sounded like Christian covers of Skold. Not quite my bag, I'm afraid. I've been acquiring Meshuggah cds at the speed of impulse-purchase, and surprisingly lots of hiphop as well. Seriously considering putting the rap back in rap metal, and doing a bunch of wacky crunked out thrash tracks. I've gotten more interest in it than anything else I've wanted to do lately, so who knows.
I'm learning capoeira. Wish me luck, kittens.
I'll put more down as it happens. Ta for now! ♥
current mood: dazed
current music: Dj Krush - Dig This Vibe
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| Friday, January 7th, 2005
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12:44 am - Boy howdy.
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What a fucking week.
I don't even know where to begin. I've written a lot, Lord knows I've been written a lot. Some of it I see as true, some as understandably skewed, and some as simply irrational... and I'm not just talking about what people have said to me, I mean everything about this silly year so far.
Point of the matter: everyone's living in their own world, and when our worlds collide strange shit sometimes occurs. Life is weird, abd when we as a species are not all busy trying to survive, we tend to start taking everything for granted, which results in what basically amounts to falsified emergencies.
We've been living in a world of falsified emergencies, all of us. We take everything too seriously; we take things to heart; and we take everything, everything, just a little too far sometimes.
My new, true resolution: Try my hardest to minimize the miniature explosions in life.
To no one in particular, I apologize for having a hard time trusting people, especially when they need for me to trust them the most.
Dustin, please just leave it alone. It's resolved, it's over.
Katlyn, thanks for being around when you're around.
Scott, thanks for scotting about everywhere.
Liz, thanks for having the courage to tell me shit to my face; I'll try to take a cue from it.
Steph... I'm sorry. No caveats or exceptions, I simply apologize, across the board and in writing.
* * * Well, more about specifics later. Coming soon: state trooper attacks, power outages, disasters, mild car smashing, new crazy horrible charity stories, and lots of me being a minister again. *twitch* Love you all, kittens. ♥
current mood: utterly wiped
current music: Christoper Lawrence - Rush Hour
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| Thursday, December 30th, 2004
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3:15 am - Mrrow!
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Starting monday, I work from four to nine, monday through friday, and noon to eight on sunday. The money will likely be impressive, and the work is for a wonderful cause (raising awareness and money for burn victims who can't pay for their own medical care), but I'm going to have to work hard for it, not only because there are people in need who need me, but because I need to raise quite a bit of money for everything I want to happen in my life. Not only that, but I'm going to have to truly push myself harder than I've ever pushed myself before. I've had a wonderful year, full of love, laughter, trials and tears... it's so hard to try to put it all into perspective; but I want this next year, two thousand five, to be a year of unparalleled determination. Perhaps this next year, maybe the year after that, I can begin a permanent vacation after I own my own arcade and live in the body I was meant to have... not to mention in the least acquiring more musical paraphanalia, acquiring my own house, and turning my dream car into sheer elegance on wheels.
Simple goals, but daunting when one looks at them face to face. I watched Collateral a couple days ago with my mom; she really wanted me to see that movie, and now I see why... there's an entire sequence about motivation and conquering one's fears of the future, one's fears of progression. I see that now... there's been so many tumultuous changes in this year that I've resorted to just riding the wave, and it's been fun and exciting... but now it's time to steer this ship, and any of those wonderful people in my life that wish to leap aboard are invited. When I open my business, I want to know every employee, I want to sense that the place is teeming with life. I want to live on the brink of anxiety, yet in a state of complex calm.
...
Suddenly my brain is completely drained. I suppose that means I hit the nail on the head, or perhaps my mind just broke from fatigue. Anyhoo, it's sleepytime for Jillian-Neko. *paws at her kittens* Mrrow! ♥
current mood: fluffy and tired! ^^;
current music: The Alpha Conspiracy - Close
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| Saturday, December 25th, 2004
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5:51 pm - EKUSUMASU
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Christmas.
Yeah... Christmas.
So I had this dream this morning that my parents somehow pre-paid surgery for me with some unknown trust fund. I've never really had the heart to straight out tell my mom, and my dad has no clue... so it was a strange, unnerving sentiment to say the least. I came back to WSU looking radically different than I do now, and I wowed everyone... Sometimes I hate dreams, but at least I know this one will come true eventually.
Made it a point to call everyone I know for whom I've cared, and wish them happy holidays. Feel reasonably good about how it went, with a few notably surreal exceptions. It's been a weird day.
What I got: Cash, candy, Simpsons: Road Rage Xbox game (fun stuff), car insurance (thank god), and a leather jacket from which my mom forgot to remove the pricetag. Suffice to say, I'm treating it nicely. Tomorrow I convert the aforementioned money into Need For Speed Underground 2. It shall be glorious.
Emotionally, I guess I've just been frazzled. Wrapping up the year has been something of an adventure.
New Years' Resolution #1: Update this journal every damn day.
New Years' Resolution #2: Three thousand dollars, in a savings account. My Savings Savings Account (you know what I mean). So far, a check for seventy-five dollars. Two point five percent, definitely a start.
New Years' Resolution #3: One. Seven. Nine. Pounds. Size ten. Evidence of abdominal muscles.
New Years' Resolution #4: Facial hair gone.
This Years' Resolution: Pounce on my Kayleigh. ♥
More later, dinner awaits! *Much love to teh kitteez!* :D
current mood:  bouncedy... mrrow!
current music: Something I haven't quite finished...
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| Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
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1:05 am - An open letter to the world.
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Dear World,
When you tell me you're sorry, that means you're intent upon changing that for which you feel sorrow.
When I tell you "I accept your apology," that means that I am no longer inclined, nor do I have any right, to harbour any resentment or ill will to you based upon that for which you've apologized.
Kugs and Hisses,
Jillian.
* * *
Anyhow, I've officially been taking the last five weeks or so off from life at large, and I can't say I regret a moment of it. I've been ramping back up, putting in job applications and such... refocusing my goals for the new year. Maybe I should just take every November and December off, start some weird hibernation tradition.
Everyone else that went has posted about the Fetish party from the weekend before last. What can I say that hasn't been said? I had a phenomenal time, and I've expressed my fondness for everyone I was around before and since.
See, this is why I haven't updated much lately... I just kinda space off, the cursor blinking. I promise loves, you aren't missing a thing. I'm just resting for now, building up energy for the January Where I Kick Everyone's Ass. I'm at the end of the vacation where I almost wanna get back to work. Another week or two and I'll be chomping at the bit.
That's all for now kittens. I'll pencil updating the LJ more often into my New Years' Resolutions, which I've become remarkably good at keeping! *looks at the fourty-pounds-lighter torso* w00t!
All of my love to my kitties this Xmas! ♥
current mood: smirking
current music: Meshuggah - Rational Gaze
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| Monday, November 22nd, 2004
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12:29 am - Chad "Smurf" Lee, 1980 - 2004.
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If anyone has wondered why I haven't been about too much lately, this is why...
I've cried more this week... Thank you Smurf, for accepting me for who I am, reminding me why I became a musician, and, most of all, thank you for never backing down, never compromising your integrity, and never second guessing yourself. I know you're watching over us, and we need your help more than ever. You are in my heart, and believe me, you will be missed.
current mood: mourning...
current music: Fear Factory - Resurrection
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